The other day i jokingly told a friend how i wish someone were to make a documentary of me. It would begin with a rolling shot of me on my bicycle and my voice in the background, talking of all the sorrows of my life. My friend asked "What sorrows?" . i didnt know at the time whether she was asking because she wanted to know, or if it was sarcastically, but i assumed sarcastically and i just said "nothing". For some reason it popped into my head tonight.
My sorrow is this: realizing that everything i've worked for in life was for nothing, totally meaningless because i was doing them all for the wrong reasons. My life so far has been nothing but one big Lesson.
I was slightly suicidal after i got kicked out of college because my status went from "university student" to "college dropout" within a matter of days. I felt i had nothing to live for. I had failed so miserably that i felt that i was nothing but a pitiful waste of human existence. But now after many weeks of learning, growing, and maturing, i realize how pitiful i truly was. I cared so much about how the world saw me, about how i look through the eyes of everyone else. My "status" was my life. when i lost that, i didnt know what to live for anymore.
It saddens me whenever i hear about a suicide, because i can understand what happened. They cared so deeply about something of this world, and they lost it. Whether it was money, family, fame, power, status, anything of this superficial world that we live in, they lost it. Because that is all they lived for, they decided to end their own life because, in their paradigm at that one moment, they thought life was already over.
Now my sorrow is that i was stupid enough to feel suicidal after getting kicked out of school. I've learned all the bible stories before but for some reason lately its like im learning it all for the first time, with earnest intrigue. Im more open to God's word. One lesson that struck me deep in my heart is that God uses not only "normal" people, but the weakest of the weak, the poorest of the poor, the worst of the worst. He used Moses, a lowly sheperd who was once royalty. And here i am, miserable that i went from "university student" to "college dropout". The lesson that i learned is that in God's eye's, he doesn't see "status", at least not in the way the world see it. He doesn't see me or judge me based on my occupation, or how many treasures i have on this earth. Its all meaningless. It doesnt matter how weak i am, because i truly am weak, but God can use me to move mountains. God can use me to change the world. All i have to do it listen, prepare, and take action.
Thank you, God, for giving me this day; For allowing me to be in this situation i am in, this suffering, so that you may build up my character and discipine, so that i may furthur serve you better. Amen.
My sorrow is this: realizing that everything i've worked for in life was for nothing, totally meaningless because i was doing them all for the wrong reasons. My life so far has been nothing but one big Lesson.
I was slightly suicidal after i got kicked out of college because my status went from "university student" to "college dropout" within a matter of days. I felt i had nothing to live for. I had failed so miserably that i felt that i was nothing but a pitiful waste of human existence. But now after many weeks of learning, growing, and maturing, i realize how pitiful i truly was. I cared so much about how the world saw me, about how i look through the eyes of everyone else. My "status" was my life. when i lost that, i didnt know what to live for anymore.
It saddens me whenever i hear about a suicide, because i can understand what happened. They cared so deeply about something of this world, and they lost it. Whether it was money, family, fame, power, status, anything of this superficial world that we live in, they lost it. Because that is all they lived for, they decided to end their own life because, in their paradigm at that one moment, they thought life was already over.
Now my sorrow is that i was stupid enough to feel suicidal after getting kicked out of school. I've learned all the bible stories before but for some reason lately its like im learning it all for the first time, with earnest intrigue. Im more open to God's word. One lesson that struck me deep in my heart is that God uses not only "normal" people, but the weakest of the weak, the poorest of the poor, the worst of the worst. He used Moses, a lowly sheperd who was once royalty. And here i am, miserable that i went from "university student" to "college dropout". The lesson that i learned is that in God's eye's, he doesn't see "status", at least not in the way the world see it. He doesn't see me or judge me based on my occupation, or how many treasures i have on this earth. Its all meaningless. It doesnt matter how weak i am, because i truly am weak, but God can use me to move mountains. God can use me to change the world. All i have to do it listen, prepare, and take action.
Thank you, God, for giving me this day; For allowing me to be in this situation i am in, this suffering, so that you may build up my character and discipine, so that i may furthur serve you better. Amen.
And this is where i begin to finish off my documentary, saying "and that is why i ride my bicycle everyday. Because it is meaningless, and i know that it is meaningless. I realize that all i will end up with is stronger legs, but what good are they when i leave this body? i enjoy riding because there is no meaning in it other than to just enjoy it. thats life. "
I thought it was funny how proverbs talks all about wisdom, wisdom, wisdom, and then the next book right after says that everything is meaningless, even a wise man dies the same death as a fool in the end. And i realized i am just like the author of this book, and at the end he writes down his realization that in the end, everything on this earth is meaningless, so just enjoy it, and fear God, because you will be judged by him when this life is over. Then i realized that the beginning of true wisdom, is fear of the Lord. Knowing that everything in life is meaningless changes my entire perspective on life, it really puts my priorities in place knowing that i should work for what lies after this life.
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2 comments:
i'm glad for you, tonyjoo.
Amen, Tony Joo.
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