diarrhea

is what i haven't had in a LONG time, especially since i started eating at LEAST one bowl of oatmeal everyday. i love oatmeal. 

i havent been losing any weight at all, but i do seem to notice im getting leaner, but i dont know where all the weight is going. i haven't biked in 2 days and i think im going to go crazy. i might just go outo and buy fenders to bike in the rain, but my regular everyday ride is 20 miles and 20 miles in the rain is not fun. i might have to try P90x since everyone is talking about it. 

$1080. timing belt change, water pump, 2 tensioners, valve cover gasket, and a few other things. $80 an hour starting at 8:30AM and ending at 5:00PM i forgot how many other things there were that needed to be changed. All in all, it was a very much needed tune up. My car definitely runs smoother taking off from stoplights and on cold starts, probably due to the timing being properly adjusted. 

So, i am completely broke now, im bringing my messenger bag with me wherever i go with homemade sushi and sandwiches. which is a very good idea i think, because homemade tastes better than any fast food meal that costs $10 or more. 

Road biking related:

i have conqoured calaveras road. it is very boring now. I am going to try felter road, but i really should do redwood rd./pinehurst/skyline. Next is a 100 mile ride doing laps around portola valley. Next is old la honda rd./pescadero/stage rd./san gregorio rd. WOOT!!!

then of course, the mountains. Mt. hamilton, Mt diablo, Mt tam. Then of course, is the 110 mile mines road ride. Mines road/san antonion valley road/mt hamilton road, or reverse order. this is going to be one long spring/summer. 

im done with it

i just realized that i havent drank in many months, and i dont feel the need to either. I guess being away at a university really is a lot more tempting to do things i shouldnt do. hmm. i cant believe i used to poison my body with everyone else at parties just to have fun. oh right, its because when ur in a house full of strangers, it isnt really fun. now that i think about it, all the parties i've ever been to that i thuoght were awesome would have been SOOO lame if i wasn't wasted, a bunch of obnoxious sweaty ugly drunk people dancing in a dark musty room. uegh.

i'd rather be biking. biking isnt my anti- drug, it IS my drug. addictions are just that, addictions, whether its drugs, alcohal, or biking. but at least this one is healthier.

the truth is

i hate chabot. i hate living with my parents. i hate being back at home. i miss davis. 

i was fine and dandy today until after my class i see a familiar logo on a bulletin board, it was a posting for UC Davis coming to chabot to meet with students. Then i realized how great it really was at Davis. another thing i realized that really sucks is that i have to work just as hard as i would have to in Davis, but here at Chabot. Im going to have to work hard anyways, why didnt i just do it in Davis at the right time? 

Pain

my econ teacher is a very wise man. he taught me something today.

What is important? is a woman driving her car into a lake and drowning her two children important? no. importance is determined by how many people it affects. Is the fact that the unemployment rate in california jumped from %5 to %7 in the last 2 months? yes. 

Prioritize your life. think of things you can start doing today and everyday that will drastically affect your future. 

read the bible

read readers digest articles

exercise

eat healthy

ironically, the truly important things are the things we seem to look over the easiest. Oh, i can do it tomorrow, its not urgent. no, it really is. where you are now is a result of your life style beginning from years and years ago. 

anyways, i should start to talk about what i really want to talk about.

Pain. Cycling is a metaphor for life. Cycling is nothing more than a painfest. a measure of how much pain you can endure, and whether you can endure more than the guy next to you. training is merely putting yourself in pain over and over until you can handle MORE pain, not to get used to the same amount of pain. It is just as much mental as it is physical. 

Life is like this. you have to do little things everyday to train yourself and of course they will be a pain in the ass to do. But, if you don't, one day you will find yourself in a race you can't win. Life is one big pain festival, can you endure it? giving up will only make it worse. you have to intentionally put yourself through pain, so that when you go through unintentional pain you willbe able to endure it. 

you know what you need to do. just fucking do it. 

Plans for this week

Tomrrow morning is my rest day, ive been biking way too much so i will only bike 12 miles. First day of chabot! mat 2 at 1:30, woot!. 

then classes till thursday, and free friday-sunday. wednesday will be another trianing ride, thursday weight lifting plus light biking, friday training, saturday ride, sunday cruise. looking good so far. I made a flickr account!!!!

flickr.com/photos/tonyjoo

Bullshit

i've realized that im a morning person now. Every night i get angry and grumpy cuz theres nothing to do and im too tired to go out. Every morning i wake up bright and early, excited for a good hour or two of biking. chomp down on a big bowl of warm oatmeal and 2 over easy eggs. Put on my leg warmers, shorts, jersey, jacket, gloves, cap, helmet, fill up my water bottles, then im off. come back, take a shower, eat a big meal, then off to work. then then come home, eat dinner, and surf the web and be grumpy because theres nothing to do and everyones a dickhead with absolutely nothing new to say. 

The worst part is when i finally find the time to hang out with people, its boring. Today i was very excited about hanging out with someone, but then she just fell asleep for an hour and a half and didnt wake up until she had to leave. very very very disapointing. almost rage inducing. 

Snowboarding isnt even that great. i'd rather be biking. Cars are boring because its illegal to drive as fast as i need to in order to get an adrenaline rush. Also at those speeds the slightest mistake will mean death, or at the minimum a wrecked car. even biking is boring at times. 

anyways, what im really trying to say is that i want a girlfriend. being single is boring. or no, maybe what i really want is to feel emotions. All i feel is either happy, bored, or angry. I want to be in love. I think i was for the past 2 years, up until about a few months ago. yeah. watever

What is there to do

It seems that in every stage of life, im always asking the question, "What the fuck is the point?" . The first time i thought this was in high school, after a lot of thinking i came up with the idea that studying and going to a good college is important. Then again when i got into a serious relationship with Angelica, i wondered what the point of life is, but then i thought that being with her was the point of my life. Knowing that you have somone that cares for you and understands you to the fullest is probably the greatest feeling in the world. Relationships are always changing as time goes on, so it takes a lot of effort to keep one going. So, that was what i thought the point of life was, to build a close relationship with someone. Then again when i got to college i asked the same question, but then i realized that having fun with friends sure is a lot of fun, and isnt fun important to life? Isn't the point of life to LIVE?? so i lived a little, or maybe a lot. So then eventually i asked the same question after i got kicked out of school, but this time it took a lot longer to find the answer. 

I felt that my whole life i've been learning all the wrong things, or at least interpreting everything the wrong way, so instead of making my own assumption of what the meaning of life is, i decided not to decide what the meaning of life is. I decided to take a step back, just live my life purely for the sake of learning without judging as much as possible. I read the Bible everynight and i gained some wisdom. Then i thought that gaining wisdom was a great thing to pursue in life, but then i read in the bible that wisdom is meaningless, for in the end even a wise man and a fool both meet the same end. 

* TANGENT BEGINS HERE*

So, what now? Live to do "good" things so that u can just simply build up treasures in heaven? simply live your life like Jesus? always think "WWJD"? 

i began to analize my own Christian faith and my beliefs, then i compared it to the Word of God. The more i read the word, the more i realized how stupid i really am. I thought that giving up your life and taking up the Cross meant simply sacrificing all the bad things that you like to do, and just live life to do so called righteous acts to emulate Jesus' life. Isnt that stupid?

I realized that in order to take up the Cross, you must be prepared. You must have faith in order to take up the Cross. I realized that i didn't have faith. I was simply looking at the result of Christianity, not what Christianity is itself. I saw the good deeds and simply thought that doing good deeds was Christianity, but now i realized that Christianity is loving one another, and helping each other out is merely one characteristic of it. 

*TANGENT ENDS*

I got a little side tracked. SO, i thought that the meaning of life was to build a relationship with God, to grow closer to him. For after all, if a relationship with a girl can make me feel so content, wouldn't a relationship with the person who created me as well as the universe make me feel even more complete?

So, for months i read the Bible, i learned more about who God is and what a human being is. I learned about the Love, but i have yet to feel it. After reading, i thought of the question again, and i know what the answer is but i dont know how to follow through. I know now for sure that the meaning of life really is to grow in your relationship with God, But when i began to try and go through with it, i realized just how hard having Faith really is. I haven't felt him. I haven't seen him. I haven't heard him. I haven't FELT him. I've only read about him and seen him working in other peoples' lives. I know he is all powerful and omnipresent, but i haven't FELT it. I know i know, i shouldn't just wait around for something to happen to me. I should seek and knock, but HOW? am i supposed to just yell out loud in prayer and expect a miracle? Do you see now? Do you see how little my faith is right now? 

I know my purpose in life, but i dont have enough faith to go through with it. It feels a lot worst than it sounds. But then again, who isn't miserable?