What is there to do

It seems that in every stage of life, im always asking the question, "What the fuck is the point?" . The first time i thought this was in high school, after a lot of thinking i came up with the idea that studying and going to a good college is important. Then again when i got into a serious relationship with Angelica, i wondered what the point of life is, but then i thought that being with her was the point of my life. Knowing that you have somone that cares for you and understands you to the fullest is probably the greatest feeling in the world. Relationships are always changing as time goes on, so it takes a lot of effort to keep one going. So, that was what i thought the point of life was, to build a close relationship with someone. Then again when i got to college i asked the same question, but then i realized that having fun with friends sure is a lot of fun, and isnt fun important to life? Isn't the point of life to LIVE?? so i lived a little, or maybe a lot. So then eventually i asked the same question after i got kicked out of school, but this time it took a lot longer to find the answer. 

I felt that my whole life i've been learning all the wrong things, or at least interpreting everything the wrong way, so instead of making my own assumption of what the meaning of life is, i decided not to decide what the meaning of life is. I decided to take a step back, just live my life purely for the sake of learning without judging as much as possible. I read the Bible everynight and i gained some wisdom. Then i thought that gaining wisdom was a great thing to pursue in life, but then i read in the bible that wisdom is meaningless, for in the end even a wise man and a fool both meet the same end. 

* TANGENT BEGINS HERE*

So, what now? Live to do "good" things so that u can just simply build up treasures in heaven? simply live your life like Jesus? always think "WWJD"? 

i began to analize my own Christian faith and my beliefs, then i compared it to the Word of God. The more i read the word, the more i realized how stupid i really am. I thought that giving up your life and taking up the Cross meant simply sacrificing all the bad things that you like to do, and just live life to do so called righteous acts to emulate Jesus' life. Isnt that stupid?

I realized that in order to take up the Cross, you must be prepared. You must have faith in order to take up the Cross. I realized that i didn't have faith. I was simply looking at the result of Christianity, not what Christianity is itself. I saw the good deeds and simply thought that doing good deeds was Christianity, but now i realized that Christianity is loving one another, and helping each other out is merely one characteristic of it. 

*TANGENT ENDS*

I got a little side tracked. SO, i thought that the meaning of life was to build a relationship with God, to grow closer to him. For after all, if a relationship with a girl can make me feel so content, wouldn't a relationship with the person who created me as well as the universe make me feel even more complete?

So, for months i read the Bible, i learned more about who God is and what a human being is. I learned about the Love, but i have yet to feel it. After reading, i thought of the question again, and i know what the answer is but i dont know how to follow through. I know now for sure that the meaning of life really is to grow in your relationship with God, But when i began to try and go through with it, i realized just how hard having Faith really is. I haven't felt him. I haven't seen him. I haven't heard him. I haven't FELT him. I've only read about him and seen him working in other peoples' lives. I know he is all powerful and omnipresent, but i haven't FELT it. I know i know, i shouldn't just wait around for something to happen to me. I should seek and knock, but HOW? am i supposed to just yell out loud in prayer and expect a miracle? Do you see now? Do you see how little my faith is right now? 

I know my purpose in life, but i dont have enough faith to go through with it. It feels a lot worst than it sounds. But then again, who isn't miserable?